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22 December, 2006

FATWA MAJELIS ULAMA INDONESIA TENTANG PERAYAAN NATAL BERSAMA

Source: http://www.mui.or.id/mui_in/fatwa.php?id=71

Dewan Pimpinan Majelis Ulama Indonesia, setelah :


Memperhatikan

  1. Perayaan Natal bersama pada akhir-akhir ini disalah artikan oleh sebagian ummat Islam dan disangka dengan ummat Islam merayakan Maulid Nabi Besar Muhammad SAW.
  2. Karena salah pengertian tersebut ada sebagian orang Islam yang ikut dalam perayaan Natal dan duduk dalam kepanitiaan Natal.
  3. Perayaan Natal bagi orang-orang Kristen adalah merupakan ibadah.


Menimbang :

  1. Ummat Islam perlu mendapat petunjuk yang jelas tentang Perayaan Natal Bersama.
  2. Ummat Islam agar tidak mencampur adukkan aqiqah dan ibadahnya dengan aqiqah dan ibadah agama lain.
  3. Ummat Islam harus berusaha untuk menambah Iman dan Taqwanya kepada Allah SWT.
  4. Tanpa mengurangi usaha ummat Islam dalam Kerukunan Antar Ummat Beragama di Indonesia.


Meneliti kembali :
Ajaran-ajaran agama Islam, antara lain:

  1. Bahwa ummat Islam diperbolehkan untuk bekerja sama dan bergaul dengan ummat agama-agama lain dalam masalah-masalah yang berhubungan dengan masalah keduniaan, berdasarkan atas:
    1. Al Qur`an surat Al-Hujurat ayat 13: "Hai manusia, sesungguhnya Kami menciptakan Kamu sekattan dari seorang laki-laki dan seorang perempuan dan Kami menjadikan kamu sekalian berbangsa-bangsa dan bersuku supaya kamu saling kenal mengenal. Sesungguhnya orang yang paling mulia diantara kamu disisi Allah adalah orang yang bertaqwa (kepada Allah), sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mengenal."
    2. Al Qur`an surat Luqman ayat 15:"Dan jika kedua orang tuamu memaksamu untuk mempersekutukan dengan aku sesuatu yang kamu tidak ada pengetahuan tentang itu, maka janganlah kamu mengikutinya, dan pergaulilah keduanya di dunia ini dengan baik. Dan ikutilah jalan orang yang kembali kepada-Ku, kemudian kepada-Ku lah kembalimu, maka akan Ku-berikan kepadamu apa yang telah kamu kerjakan."
    3. Al Qur`an surat Mumtahanah ayat 8: "Allah tidak melarang kamu (ummat Islam) untuk berbuat baik dan berlaku adil terhadap orang-orang (beragama lain) yang tidak memerangi kamu karena agama dan tidak pula mengusir kamu dari negerimu. Sesungguhnya Allah menyukai orang-orang yang berlaku adil."
  2. Bahwa ummat Islam tidak boleh mencampuradukkan aqiqah dan peribadatan agamanya dengan aqiqah dan peribadatan agama lain berdasarkan :
    1. Al Qur`an surat Al-Kafirun ayat 1-6:"Katakanlah hai orang-orang kafir, aku tidak akan menyembah apa yang kamu sembah. Dan kamu bukan penyembah Tuhan yang aku sembah. Dan aku tidak pernah menjadi penyembah apa yang kamu sembah. Dan kamu tidak pernah pula menjadi penyembah Tuhan yang aku sembah. Untukmulah agamamu dan untukkulah agamaku."
    2. Al Qur`an surat Al Baqarah ayat 42: "Dan jika kedua orang tuamu memaksamu untuk mempersatukan dengan aku sesuatu yang kamu tidak ada pengetahuan tentang itu, maka janganlah kamu mengikutinya dan pergaulilah keduanya di dunia ini dengan baik Dan ikutilah jalan orang yang kembali kepada-Kita, kemudian kepada-Kulah kembalimu, maka akan Ku-beritakan kepadamu apa yang telah kamu kerjakan."
  3. Bahwa ummat Islam harus mengakui kenabian dan kerasulan Isa Al Masih bin Maryam sebagaimana pengakuan mereka kepada para Nabi dan Rasul yang lain, berdasarkan atas:
    1. Al Qur`an surat Maryam ayat 30-32: "Berkata Isa: Sesungguhnya aku ini hamba Allah. Dia memberiku Al Kitab (Injil) dan Dia menjadikan aku seorang nabi. Dan Dia menjadikan aku seorang yang diberkahi di mana saja aku berada, dan Dia memerintahkan kepadaku mendirikan shalat dan menunaikan zakat selama aku hidup. (Dan Dia memerintahkan aku) berbakti kepada ibumu (Maryam) dan Dia tidak menjadikan aku seorang yang sombong lagi celaka."
    2. Al Qur`an surat Al Maidah ayat 75: "Al Masih putera Maryam itu hanyalah seorang Rosul yang sesungguhnya telah lahir sebelumnya beberapa Rosul dan ibunya seorang yang sangat benar. Kedua-duanya biasa memakan makanan(sebagai manusia). Perhatikanlah bagaimana Kami menjelaskan kepada mereka (ahli Kitab) tanda-tanda kekuasaan (Kami), kemudian perhatikanlah bagaimana mereka berpaling (dari memperhatikan ayat-ayat Kami itu)."
    3. Al Qur`an surat Al Baqarah ayat 285 : "Rasul (Muhammad telah beriman kepada Al Qur`an yang diturunkan kepadanya dari Tuhannya, demikian pula orang-orang yang beriman) semuanya beriman kepada Allah, Malaikat-malaikat-Nya, Kitab-kitab-Nya dan Rasul-Nya. (Mereka mengatakan) : Kami tidak membeda-bedakan antara seseorang pun (dengan yang lain) dari Rasul-rasulnya dan mereka mengatakan : Kami dengar dan kami taat. (Mereka berdoa) Ampunilah Ya Tuhan kami dan kepada Engkaulah tempat kembali."
  4. Bahwa barangsiapa berkeyakinan bahwa Tuhan itu lebih daripada satu, Tuhan itu mempunyai anak Isa Al Masih itu anaknya, bahwa orang itu kafir dan musyrik, berdasarkan atas :
    1. Al Qur`an surat Al Maidah ayat 72 : "Sesungguhnya telah kafir orang-orang yang berkata : Sesungguhnya Allah itu ialah Al Masih putera Maryam. Padahal Al Masih sendiri berkata : Hai Bani Israil, sembahlah Allah Tuhanku dan Tuhanmu. Sesungguhnya orang yang mempersekutukan (sesuatu dengan) Allah, maka pasti Allah mengharamkan kepadanya surga dan tempatnya ialah neraka, tidak adalah bagi orang zhalim itu seorang penolong pun."
    2. Al Qur`an surat Al Maidah ayat 73 : "Sesungguhnya kafir orang-orang yang mengatakan : Bahwa Allah itu adalah salah satu dari yang tiga (Tuhan itu ada tiga), padahal sekali-kali tidak ada Tuhan selain Tuhan yang Esa. Jika mereka tidak berhenti dari apa yang mereka katakan itu pasti orang-orang kafir itu akan disentuh siksaan yang pedih."
    3. Al Qur`an surat At Taubah ayat 30 : "Orang-orang Yahudi berkata Uzair itu anak Allah, dan orang-orang Nasrani berkata Al Masih itu anak Allah. Demikianlah itulah ucapan dengan mulut mereka, mereka meniru ucapan/perkataan orang-orang kafir yang terdahulu, dilaknati Allah-lah mereka bagaimana mereka sampai berpaling."
  5. Bahwa Allah pada hari kiamat nanti akan menanyakan Isa, apakan dia pada waktu di dunia menyuruh kaumnya, agar mereka mengakui Isa dan Ibunya (Maryam) sebagai Tuhan. Isa menjawab "Tidak" : Hal itu berdasarkan atas :
    Al Qur`an surat Al Maidah ayat 116-118 :
    "Dan (ingatlah) ketika Allah berfirman: Hai Isa putera Maryam adakah kamu mengatakan kepada manusia (kaummu): Jadikanlah aku dan ibuku dua orang Tuhan selain Allah, Isa menjawab : Maha Suci Engkau (Allah), tidaklah patut bagiku mengatakan apa yang bukan hakku (mengatakannya). Jika aku pernah mengatakannya tentu Engkau telah mengetahuinya, Engkau mengetahui apa yang ada pada diri Engkau. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Mengetahui perkara yang ghaib. Aku tidak pernah mengatakan kepada mereka kecuali apa yang engkau perintahkan kepadaku (mengatakannya), yaitu : sembahlah Allah Tuhanku dan Tuhanmu dan aku menjadi saksi terhadapa mereka selama aku berada di antara mereka. Tetapi setelah Engkau wafatkan aku, Engkau sendirilah yang menjadi pengawas mereka. Engkaulah pengawas dan saksi atas segala sesuatu. Jika Engkau menyiksa mereka, maka sesungguhnya mereka adalah hamba-hamba-Mu dan Jika Engkau mengampunkan mereka, maka sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Kuasa lagi Maha Bijaksana."
  6. Islam mengajarkan Bahwa Allah SWT itu hanya satu, berdasarkan atas Al Qur`an surat Al Ikhlas :
    "Katakanlah : Dia Allah yang Maha Esa. Allah adalah Tuhan yang segala sesuatu bergantung kepada-Nya. Dia tidak beranak dan tidak pula diperanakkan. Dan tidak ada seorang pun / sesuatu pun yang setara dengan Dia."
  7. Islam mengajarkan kepada ummatnya untuk menjauhkan diri dari hal-hal yang syubhat dan dari larangan Allah SWT serta untuk mendahulukan menolak kerusakan daripada menarik kemaslahatan, berdasarkan atas :
    1. Hadits Nabi dari Nu`man bin Basyir : "Sesungguhnya apa apa yang halal itu telah jelas dan apa apa yang haram itu pun telah jelas, akan tetapi diantara keduanya itu banyak yang syubhat (seperti halal, seperti haram) kebanyakan orang tidak mengetahui yang syubhat itu. Barang siapa memelihara diri dari yang syubhat itu, maka bersihlah agamanya dan kehormatannya, tetapi barang siapa jatuh pada yang syubhat maka berarti ia telah jatuh kepada yang haram, semacam orang yang mengembalakan binatang makan di daerah larangan itu. Ketahuilah bahwa setiap raja mempunyai larangan dan ketahuilah bahwa larangan Allah ialah apa-apa yang diharamkan-Nya (oleh karena itu hanya haram jangan didekati)."
    2. Kaidah Ushul Fiqih
      "Menolak kerusakan-kerusakan itu didahulukan daripada menarik kemaslahatan-kemaslahatan (jika tidak demikian sangat mungkin mafasidnya yang diperoleh, sedangkan masholihnya tidak dihasilkan)."

Memutuskan

Memfatwakan

    1. Perayaan Natal di Indonesia meskipun tujuannya merayakan dan menghormati Nabi Isa AS, akan tetapi Natal itu tidak dapat dipisahkan dari soal-soal yang diterangkan diatas.
    2. Mengikuti upacara Natal bersama bagi ummat Islam hukumnya haram.
    3. Agar ummat Islam tidak terjerumus kepada syubhat dan larangan Allah SWT dianjurkan untuk tidak mengikuti kegiatan-kegiatan Natal.

Jakarta, 1 Jumadil Awal 1401 H
7 Maret 1981

Komisi Fatwa
Majelis Ulama Indonesia

Ketua Sekretaris

K.H.M SYUKRI. G Drs. H. MAS`UDI

19 October, 2006

Renungan Ampunan Allah swt.

· Kita mengharapkan ampunan dari Allah karena kita berpuasa selama 1 bulan

· Kita selalu harapkan “hak” kita sebagai hamba yaitu ampunan atas dosa kita

· Bagaimana dengan “hak Allah” – kita seharusnya beribadah dengan baik, tinggalkan maksiat, syirik, pembunuhan, korupsi, pencurian, pembohongan, dsb.

· Apakah kita pantas diampuni? Aceh: tsunami, Yogya: gempa, Pangandaran: Tsunami, Sidoarjo: Lumpur. Apa lagi yang belum muncul??

· Ujian Allah pasti berat. Apakah usaha kita untuk menjadi hamba yang beriman sudah cukup supaya kita “berhak” mendapatkan ampunan Allah?

· Ampunan Allah swt. lebih besar daripada murka-Nya, tetapi apakah kita mensyukuri kenyataan itu dengan berusaha sebaik mungkin untuk menjadi ummat teledan di dunia ini?

DO'A MALAIKAT JIBRIL MENJELANG RAMADHAN "

"Ya Allah tolong abaikan puasa ummat Muhammad, apabila sebelum memasuki bulan Ramadhan dia tidak melakukan hal-hal yang berikut:

* Tidak memohon maaf terlebih dahulu kepada kedua orang tuanya (jika masih ada);

* Tidak berma'afan terlebih dahulu antara suami istri;

* Tidak berma'afan terlebih dahulu dengan orang-orang sekitarnya.

Maka Rasulullah pun mengatakan Amiin sebanyak 3 kali.

PUASA DI RAMADHAN HAPUS DOSA

“Barangsiapa yang berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan dengan keimanan dan keikhlasan maka diampuni dosa-dosa yang terdahulu”.

(Sahih Bukhari)

TIDAK ADA DOSA BILA TIDAK SENGAJA

Dan tidak ada dosa atasmu terhadap apa yang kamu khilaf [tidak sengaja] padanya, tetapi (yang ada dosanya) apa yang disengaja oleh hatimu.

(Suran Al-Ahzab, QS. 33:5).

MANUSIA YANG BERIMAN PASTI AKAN DIUJI

[29.2] Apakah manusia itu mengira bahwa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: "Kami telah beriman", sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi?

[29.3] Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta.

(Surah Al Ankabuut QS. 29: 2-3)

DIBUKA PINTU SORGA, SETAN DIBELENGGU

Hadis riwayat Abu Hurairah Bahwa Rasulullah saw. bersabda: Apabila tiba bulan Ramadan, maka dibukalah pintu-pintu surga, ditutuplah pintu neraka dan setan-setan dibelenggu – (Sahih Muslim No. 1793)

PINTU SORGA KHUSUS ORANG YANG PUASA

Hadis riwayat Sahal bin Saad ra., ia berkata: Rasulullah saw. bersabda: Sesungguhnya di dalam surga itu terdapat pintu yang bernama Rayyan. Orang-orang yang berpuasa akan masuk lewat pintu itu pada hari kiamat. Tidak ada orang selain mereka yang masuk bersama mereka. Ditanyakan: Di mana orang-orang yang puasa? Kemudian mereka masuk lewat pintu tersebut dan ketika orang yang terakhir dari mereka sudah masuk, maka pintu itu ditutup kembali dan tidak ada orang yang akan masuk lewat pintu itu.

(Sahih Muslim No. 1947)

KASIH SAYANG ALLAH LEBIH BESAR DARI MURKA-NYA

Hadis riwayat Abu Hurairah ra.: Bahwa Nabi saw. bersabda: Tatkala Allah menciptakan makhluk, Allah telah menuliskan dalam kitab catatan-Nya yang berada di sisi-Nya di atas arsy bahwa sesungguhnya kasih sayang-Ku mengalahkan murka-Ku

(Sahih Muslim No. 4939)

13 October, 2006

Cost of Iraq War Nearly $2 Billion a Week

Cost of Iraq War Nearly $2 Billion a Week

Ternyata, perang si Bush menghabiskan 2 milyar dolar per minggu sekarang.

Coba bayangkan kalau pemerintah AS menawarkan 2 milyar dolar setiap minggu kepada rakyat di Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Palestina, dsb.

Siapa yang akan benci terhadap AS kalau ditawarkan uang terus untuk kepentingan keluarga: bisa bangun sekolah, beli buku buat anak, beli makanan, obat-obatan, dsb.

2 milyar dolar per minggu.

Tetapi AS hanya bersedia menawarkan bom dan peluru.

Sayang sekali.

Uang rakyat AS, yang kebanyakan dari mereka orang baik2 saja yang tidak "membenci" Islam.

Dihabiskan untuk sebuah perang terhadap "teror" yang tidak mungkin bisa dimenangkan. "Terorisme" adalah sebuah tatik militer, dan "teror" adalah sebuah perasaan. Apakah sebuah "taktik" bisa diserang secara militer? Apakah sebuah "perasaan" bisa diserang? Sangat konyol "War on Terror" karena "teror" akan ada di bumi ini sampai akhir zaman. Tidak mungkin bisa dihilangkan.

2 milyar… setiap minggu… untuk menyerang sesuatu yang tidak bisa dihilangkan dengan serangan militer.

Sayang sekali.

Ternyata Bush sudah belajar dari teman-teman kita (para pejabat) di Indonesia.

Kalau ada pilihan antara "proyek" yang mahal dan kesempatan membagikan uang saja, maka "proyek" yang menang.

Uang 2 milyar itu dihabiskan untuk "proyek" pembangunan pangkalan militer dan "proyek" memperbaiki alat-alat (seperti mobil Humvee) yang rusak berat. Semua yang dirusakkan harus diperbaiki. Setiap peluru harus diganti. Setiap bom harus diganti. Proyek jalan terus buat perusahaan yang membuat dan menjual barang2 militer.

Lalu apa bedanya pejabat Indonesia dan pejabat AS?

Jangan mengritik Sutiyoso lagi karena busway yang bikin macet. Mendingan proyek busway daripada "proyek perang".

Hahahahahaha……..

Cost of Iraq War Nearly $2 Billion a Week
By Bryan Bender
The Boston Globe

Thursday 28 September 2006

Washington - A new congressional analysis shows the Iraq war is now costing taxpayers almost $2 billion a week - nearly twice as much as in the first year of the conflict three years ago and 20 percent more than last year - as the Pentagon spends more on establishing regional bases to support the extended deployment and scrambles to fix or replace equipment damaged in combat.

The upsurge occurs as the total cost of military operations at home and abroad since 2001, including the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, will top half a trillion dollars, according to an internal assessment by the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service completed last week.

The spike in operating costs - including a 20 percent increase over last year in Afghanistan, where the mission now costs about $370 million a week - comes even though troop levels in both countries have remained stable. The reports attribute the rising costs in part to a higher pace of fighting in both countries, where insurgents and terrorists have increased their attacks on US and coalition troops and civilians.

Another major factor, however, is "the building of more extensive infrastructure to support troops and equipment in and around Iraq and Afghanistan," according to the report. Based on Defense Department data, the report suggests that the construction of so-called semi-permanent support bases has picked up in recent months, making it increasingly clear that the US military will have a presence in both countries for years to come.

The United States maintains it is not building permanent military bases in Iraq or Afghanistan, where the local population distrusts America's long-term intentions.

But for the first time, a major factor in the growth of war spending is the result of a dramatic rise in "investment costs," or spending needed to sustain a long-term deployment of American troops in the two countries, the report said. These include the additional purchases of protective equipment for troops, such as armored Humvees, radios, and night-vision equipment; new tanks and other equipment to replace battered gear from Army and Marine Corps units that have been deployed numerous times in recent years; and growing repair bills for damaged equipment, what the military calls "reset" costs.

At least one lawmaker, referring to reports of equipment shortages in the war zones and at US bases where troops are training for combat, says some of the spending is misplaced. "While we are spending billions in Iraq to build and maintain massive bases, we cannot [effectively] repair our abused equipment or replace it," US Representative Martin T. Meehan , a Lowell Democrat and member of the House Armed Services Committee, said in a statement.

The Pentagon, which had previously made public its own estimate of operating costs, has not released up-to-date war costs.

The Congressional Research Service report estimates that after Congress approves two pending bills, the total war costs since Sept. 11, 2001, will reach about $509 billion. Of that, $379 billion will cover the cost of operations in Iraq, $97 billion will be the price tag for Afghanistan operations, and $26 billion will have gone to beefed-up security at US military bases around the world.

Though the military's operational costs in Iraq and Afghanistan have gone up despite a level number of US troops, the report attributes a large portion of the increased spending to the military's ongoing preparations to sustain combat operations in the two countries for the foreseeable future.

For example, the report shows that under the category of "procurement," the funds designated for "resetting the force" - replacing or repairing equipment damaged in combat and preparing for long-term fighting - has jumped from $7.2 billion in 2004 to $20.9 billion in 2005, and $22.9 billion this year. Separately, the Army has told Congress that it estimates it will need at least $36 billion more for equipment, while the Marine Corps has reported it needs nearly $12 billion.

Another major war cost is for infrastructure - bases, landing strips, repair shops - for the forces in Iraq and Afghanistan. These "operations and maintenance" costs remained steady at about $40 billion per year in 2003, 2004, and 2005, but have spiked to more than $60 billion this year.

Those factors alone, however, are "not enough to explain" the spiraling increase in operating costs, according to the report.

"You would expect [operating costs] to level off if you have the same level of people," said the report's principal author, Amy Belasco, a national defense specialist at the Congressional Research Service. "You shouldn't have as much cost to fix buildings that were presumably repaired when you got there. It's a bit mysterious."

The Pentagon has not provided Congress with a detailed accounting of all the war funds, making it impossible to conduct a full, independent estimate of how much Americans are spending in Iraq and Afghanistan - or to predict what future costs might be.

"In congressional hearings, the Department of Defense has typically provided estimates of the current or average monthly costs over a period of time for military operations, referred to as the `burn rate,'" the report stated. "While this figure covers some of the costs of war, it excludes the cost of upgrading or replacing military equipment and improving or building facilities overseas, and it does not cover all funds appropriated."

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/092806G.shtml

George Bush's War of the Words

This is quite long, but I think it’s worth reading. Gene.

George Bush's War of the Words
By Tom Engelhardt
TomDispatch.com

Monday 09 October 2006

For Homer, those epithets attached to his heroes and gods were undoubtedly mnemonic devices - the fleet-footed Achilles, Poseidon, the Earth-shaker, the wily Odysseus, the ox-eyed Hera. But isn't it strange how many similar, if somewhat less heroic, catch words and phrases have adhered to key officials of the Bush administration these last years. Here's my own partial list:

President George ("Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job") Bush, Vice President Dick ("last throes") Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald ("stuff happens") Rumsfeld, then-National Security Advisor, now-Secretary of State Condoleezza ("mushroom cloud") Rice, CIA Director George ("slam dunk") Tenet, Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul ("[Iraq] floats on a sea of oil") Wolfowitz, Centcom Commander Gen. Tommy ("We don't do body counts") Franks, then-White House Counsel, now-Attorney General Alberto ("quaint") Gonzales, withdrawn Supreme Court nominee and White House Counsel Harriet ("You are the best governor ever") Miers, and most recently Dennis ("The buck stops here") Hastert.

You know a person by the company he or she keeps - so the saying goes. You could also say that you know an administration by the linguistic company it keeps; and though George Bush is usually presented as an inarticulate stumbler of a speech and news-conference giver, it's nothing short of remarkable how many new words and phrases (or redefined old ones) this President and his administration have managed to lodge in our lives and our heads.

Since September 11, 2001, the United States has been not so much the planet's lone "hyperpower" as its gunslinger in that great Western ("dead or alive") tradition that George and Dick learned about in the movies of their childhood. But fast as they've reached for their guns (and may do so again in relation to Iran after the mid-term elections), over the last years they've reached for one thing faster: their dictionaries.

And of all the words that came to their minds post-9/11, the first and fastest was an old one - "war." Within hours of the 9/11 attacks, it was already on the scene and being redefined by administration officials and supporters. We would not, for instance, actually declare war. After all, who was war to be declared on? We were simply "at war" and that was that. Since then, according to George Bush and his associates, we have either been fighting "the Global War on Terror" (aka GWOT), "the long war," "the millennium war," "World War III," or "World War IV." We not only entered an immediate state of war, but one meant to last generations, and with it we got a commander-in-chief presidency secretly redefined in such a way as to place it outside any legal boundaries.

We were, then, at war. But the first war we were "at" was a war of the words and at its heart from the beginning was the status of the people we were capturing on or near various battlefields, or even kidnapping off the streets of European cities, and exactly what we could do to them. If John F. Kennedy is remembered for saying, "Ich bin ein Berliner," perhaps when history shrinks George W. Bush to a soundbite, it will be, "We abide by the law of the United States; we do not torture." To say those words - repeatedly - he has had to mount not a soapbox, nor even the TV or radio version of a bully pulpit, but a pile of torn, trampled dictionaries.

If you don't believe me, go back and read, for instance, the infamous "torture memo" of 2002 in which the top legal minds of the Justice Department and the White House Counsel's office labored over how to define "severe" and "pain" in such a way that almost no inflicted pain in a prisoner's interrogation would ever prove too "severe." Whole sections of that document sound like they were cobbled together by a learned panel for a new edition of some devil's dictionary. ("The word 'profound' has a number of meanings, all of which convey a significant depth. Webster's New International Dictionary 1977 [2nd ed. 1935] defines profound as...").

In the end, these experts defined "torture" to suit administration needs in the following pretzled fashion: "Must be equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death." And though, under pressure, the "torture memo" was finally disavowed, the President has been able to claim that "we do not torture" only by adhering to its ludicrous definitions. (Even then, this administration's interrogators have tortured prisoners.) This was in fact a typical Bush era document of shame, symbolic of the bureaucratic lawlessness let loose at the heart of our government by officials intent on creating a pseudo-legal basis for replacing the rule of law with the rule of a Commander-in-Chief.

Never has an administration rolled up its sleeves and redefined our terms more systematically or unnervingly with less attention to reality.

When a dynasty fell in ancient China, it was believed that part of the explanation for its demise lay in the increasing gap between words and reality. The emperor of whatever new dynasty had taken power would then perform a ceremony called "the rectification of names" to bring language and what it was meant to describe back into sync. We Americans need to lose the emperor part of the equation, but adopt such a ceremony. Never have our realities and our words for them been quite so out of whack.

Between August 2005, when, armed with two cheap tape recorders and a scribbled list of questions, I first met historian and activist Howard Zinn in a coffee shop and last summer, I had a chance to hang out with eleven iconoclastic thinkers and activists, all of whom were concerned with how to describe the realities of our imperial world as well as with the fate of our country. Recently, these interviews were gathered into a book, Mission Unaccomplished, Tomdispatch Interviews with American Iconoclasts and Dissenters. What follows are apt quotes from each of the interviewees - and my own brief discussions of Bush-redefined words. Think of it as a kind of call-and-response essay as well as my own modest bow to eleven engaged souls whom I admire.

Howard Zinn: "I came to the conclusion that, given the technology of modern warfare, war is inevitably a war against children, against civilians. When you look at the ratio of civilian to military dead, it changes from 50-50 in World War II to 80-20 in Vietnam, maybe as high as 90-10 today… When you face that fact, war is now always a war against civilians, and so against children. No political goal can justify it, and so the great challenge before the human race in our time is to solve the problems of tyranny and aggression, and do it without war."

Collateral Damage: It's been all collateral damage all the time from official Pentagon lips since George W. Bush launched our Afghan war just weeks after September 11, 2001 and followed it quickly with an invasion of Iraq. Wedding parties wiped out; children killed by accident; civilians murdered at places like Haditha and Ishaqi; scores of Iraqi civilians dead in the first air strikes on Baghdad (and not a single Iraqi leader killed); thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians swept up in U.S. raids and tossed into Abu Ghraib prison for endless months without charges; "terrorist safe houses" hit from the air in crowded urban neighborhoods where nearby residents simply died.

Since March 2003, over 2,700 American soldiers, over 200 troops from allied forces, and several hundred private contractors or mercenaries have died in Iraq. (Another 340 Americans have died in Afghanistan.) We have no idea how many Iraqi soldiers, insurgents, and militia members have died in that same period along with many tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians, all "collateral damage." But we do know one thing. In modern wars, especially those conducted in part from the air (as both the Iraq and Afghan ones have been), there's nothing "collateral" about civilian deaths. If anything, the "collateral deaths" are those of the combatants on any side. Civilian deaths are now the central fact, the very essence of modern imperial warfare. Not seeing that means not seeing war.

James Carroll: "The good things of the Roman Empire are what we remember about it - the roads, the language, the laws, the buildings, the classics… But we pay very little attention to what the Roman Empire was to the people at its bottom - the slaves who built those roads… the oppressed and occupied peoples who were brought into the empire if they submitted, but radically and completely smashed if they resisted at all… We Americans are full of our sense of ourselves as having benign imperial impulses. That's why the idea of the American Empire was celebrated as a benign phenomenon. We were going to bring order to the world. Well, yes… as long as you didn't resist us. And that's where we really have something terrible in common with the Roman Empire… We must reckon with imperial power as it is felt by people at the bottom. Rome's power. America's."

The New Rome: In neocon Washington, there was an early burst of pride in empire. The U.S. wasn't just, as in the 1990s, the planet's "global sheriff," it was now the mightiest power in history, an imperial goliath that put the old British Empire and possibly even the Roman one in the shade. Right-wing pundit Charles Krauthammer wrote in Time Magazine even before the attacks of 9/11: "America is no mere international citizen. It is the dominant power in the world, more dominant than any since Rome. Accordingly, America is in a position to reshape norms, alter expectations, and create new realities. How? By unapologetic and implacable demonstrations of will." Between the first of those "implacable demonstrations of will" in the fall of 2001 and Bush's "Mission Accomplished" moment in May 2003, many other pundits weighed in, embracing the idea of empire in a way that had once been taboo in this country. Fareed Zacaria of Newsweek was typical in speaking of "'a comprehensive uni-polarity' that nobody has seen since Rome dominated the world." Max Boot in USA Today wrote a piece headlined, "American Imperialism? No Need to Run Away from Label." ("[O]n the whole, U.S. imperialism has been the greatest force for good in the world during the past century.") For the liberal and squeamish, there was Michael Ignatieff in the New York Times Magazine urging us not to "embrace" imperialism, but merely to do our duty and pick up "the burden" of Empire Lite.

Five years later with the sack of Rome looking more applicable to our world than a Pax Romana, perhaps another old word should be making its reappearance: "Tyranny" ("A government in which a single ruler is invested with absolute power.") Outside the United States, the Bush administration has already set itself up as a tyranny with its private network of prisons, its secret airlines for kidnapping anyone it chooses, and its power to wage war on the say-so of no one but itself anywhere it cares to. Domestically, the picture is still mixed, but the danger signals are obvious.

Juan Cole: "[Iraq] is one of the great foreign policy debacles of American history. There's an enormous amount at stake in the oil Gulf and Bush is throwing grenades around in the cockpit of the world economy. So I think he has dug his own grave with regard to Iraq policy."

Regime Change, Shock and Awe, Decapitation, Cakewalk: Ah, Iraq. What a field of linguistic fantasy play for Bush administration officials. "Regime change" was the global order of the day, if that "axis of evil" (and perhaps 60 other nations rumored to harbor terrorists) didn't attend to us. "Shock and awe" was what we would bring to Iraq, thereby humbling the whole "axis of evil" in a single awesome rain of destruction from the skies. As the planet's most dazzling military power, we would then go on a "cakewalk" (a high-strutting dance) to Baghdad and beyond, reorganizing the whole Middle East to our taste. "Decapitation" would be what would happen to Saddam's regime.

Behind such words lay inside-the-Beltway dreams of absolute global domination, of imposing a planetary Pax Americana by force of arms. It was the sort of scheme that once would have been the property of some "evil empire" we stood against. Behind it all, for an administration deeply linked to the energy business, lay control over the oil heartlands of the planet, known to this administration as "the arc of instability." Oil, or what George Bush referred to before launching his invasion as "Iraq's patrimony," was of such interest that the only places our troops guarded in those first "post-war" days of looting were oil fields and the Oil Ministry building in Baghdad. Of course, what Bush and his friends succeeded in visiting on the region was ever-spreading chaos. Since 2001, in its own version of the rectification of names, the Bush administration has actually been creating a genuine "arc of instability" stretching from Central Asia to Lebanon. The grenades are indeed now in the cockpit.

Cindy Sheehan: "Katrina was a natural disaster that nobody could help, but the man-made disaster afterwards was just horrible. I mean, number one, all our resources are in Iraq. Number two, what little resources we did have were deployed far too late. George Bush was golfing and eating birthday cake with John McCain while people were hanging off their houses praying to be rescued. He's so disconnected from this country - and from reality. I heard a line yesterday that I thought was perfect. This man said he thinks Katrina will be Bush's Monica."

Homeland: It may be an ugly word, with overtones of Nazi Germany (and perhaps the World War II-era Soviet Union as well), but now it's ours, a truly un-American replacement for "nation" or "country." Like a number of Bush-era terms, it was lurking in the shadows before 9/11. Now, we have a homeland as well as "homeland security," and even a Department of Homeland Security, a giant and, as Katrina demonstrated, remarkably ineffective new bureaucracy. By its very name, the "Defense" Department should, of course, be our Department of Homeland Security. But its focus is now on dominating the rest of the planet (and space), so instead we have two Defense Departments, both quagmires of civilian bureaucratic ineptitude, both lucrative as anything, neither going anywhere soon. If this isn't an attempt not just to redefine American reality, but to bankrupt it, I can't imagine what is. George Bush has been our Katrina.

Chalmers Johnson: "Part of empire is the way it's penetrated our society, the way we've become dependent on it… The military budget is starting to bankrupt the country. It's got so much in it that's well beyond any rational military purpose. It equals just less than half of total global military spending. And yet here we are, stymied by two of the smallest, poorest countries on Earth. Iraq before we invaded had a GDP the size of the state of Louisiana, and Afghanistan was certainly one of the poorest places on the planet. And yet these two places have stopped us."

Footprint, Enduring Camp, Lily Pad: Call this a sampler of the euphemistic language that goes with garrisoning the planet. In the Bush years, the Pentagon has not only grown ever more gargantuan, but has come to occupy the heartlands of foreign (and increasingly domestic) policy. It has essentially displaced the State Department from diplomacy and is now in the process of displacing the CIA from covert intelligence operations. In these years, Pentagon strategists, discussing our 700+ military bases around the world, began speaking of our military "footprint" on the planet - in the singular. As an imperial colossus, it seems, only one military boot at a time could even fit on the planet.

By the time American troops entered Baghdad in April 2003, the Pentagon already had plans on the drawing boards for four massive permanent military bases in Iraq, but the phrase "permanent base" was not to be used. For a while, these were referred to, charmingly enough, as "enduring camps" (like so many summer establishments for children who had overstayed their leave). In the same way, the strategic-basing posture of this era, meant to bring deployable U.S. troops ever closer to locking down that "arc of instability," involved "lily pad" bases - the thought being that, if the occasion arose, American "frogs," armed to the teeth with prepositioned munitions, would be able to hop agilely from one prepositioned "pad" to another, knocking off the "flies" as they went. This is part of the strange, defanged language with which American leaders meant to create a Pax Americana planet.

Ann Wright: "Thirty-five years in the government between my military service and the State Department, under seven administrations. It was hard. I liked representing America. I kept hoping the administration would go back to the Security Council for its authorization to go to war… I was hoping against hope that our government would not go into what really is an illegal war of aggression that meets no criteria of international law. When it was finally evident we were going to do so, I said to myself: It ain't going to be on my watch."

Service: And what about missing words? "Service to country," such an honorable concept, was swept with "sacrifice" into Bush's dustbin of history. In response to 9/11, the President famously told Americans to sacrifice for his coming wars by leading normal lives, going shopping as usual, and visiting Disney World. The only ones capable of truly "serving" their country, as this President seems to see it, are CIA kidnappers, illegal eavesdroppers of the National Security Agency, and the interrogators who perform the tough acts of torture that have been redefined by administration lawyers as something else entirely. And yet, in these years, the ideal of service has not died. Retired colonel and State Department official Ann Wright - at present, an antiwar activist - was one of three diplomats who resigned to protest the onrushing invasion of Iraq in 2003. They have since been joined by a veritable fallen legion of government employees, who were honorable or steadfast enough in their duties or actually believed too fully in our Constitution, and so found themselves forced to resign in protest, quit, or simply be pushed off the cliff by cronies of this administration.

Someone needs to redefine the "checks and balances" of the American system. The only operative check-and-balance for most of the last five years has been one the Founding Fathers never dreamed of (because they couldn't imagine a government structure like ours) and that's been the angry, leaking, protesting members of the federal government, the intelligence community, the military, and the bureaucracy. (On the other side of that equation, no one has yet come fully to grips with, or reported decently on, the depth of the Bush purge of the government, the replacement of officials down to the lowest levels with administration pals, cronies, and ideologues.)

Mark Danner: "When you look at the record, the phrase I come back to, not only about interrogation but the many other steps that constitute the Bush state of exception, state of emergency, since 9/11 is 'take the gloves off.'"

Extraordinary Rendition, Secret Prisons, Torture: Donald Rumsfeld's "office" was calling for interrogators to take off those "gloves" in the case of the "American Taliban," John Walker Lindh, soon after he was captured in late 2001. It became a commonplace phrase inside the government (and even among the military in Iraq). Given the image, you wonder what exactly was under those gloves. Off in Langley, Virginia, according to Ron Suskind in his new book, The One Percent Doctrine, CIA director George Tenet was using a far blunter image. He was talking about "taking off the shackles" (that supposedly had been put on the Agency in the Vietnam/Watergate era).

Rendition - as in "render unto Caesar" - gained that "extraordinary" quickly indeed as the CIA began kidnapping terror "suspects" around the world and no longer rendering them to the American court system (as in the Clinton years) but to various Third World allies willing to torture them or to American "secret prisons" - a phrase that, in the previous century, would have been reserved for the Gestapo or Stalin's NKVD.

In the meantime, administration lawyers began redefining "torture," a word not normally considered terribly difficult to grasp, more or less out of existence. By the time they were done, mock drownings, an interrogation "technique" called (as if it were surfing) "waterboarding," ceased for a while to be what even Medieval Europe knew it to be: "the water torture." In no other single area, did Bush administration officials (and their legal camp followers) reach more quickly for their dictionaries to pretzel and torture the language. This represented a very specific kind of reach for power. After all, if you could kidnap or capture a man anywhere on Earth, transport him to a secret prison (or at least, as with Guantanamo, one beyond the purview of any court), and then torture him, and if it could all be redefined as within the bounds of legality and propriety, then you had captured a previously unknown kind of power for the Presidency that was as un-American as the word "homeland." Think of it this way: Those who can torture openly, can do anything.

Mike Davis: "It's clear that the future of guerrilla warfare, insurrection against the world system, has moved into the city. Nobody has realized this with as much clarity as the Pentagon… Its strategists are way ahead of geopoliticians and traditional foreign-relations types in understanding the significance of a world of slums… There's really quite an extraordinary military literature trying to address what the Pentagon sees as the most novel terrain of this century, which it now models in the slums of Karachi, Port au Prince, and Baghdad."

Preventive War: From the militarized heavens to the slum cities of the Third World, the Pentagon is doing all the R&D. It already has its advanced weaponry for 2020, 2030, 2040 on the drawing boards. It's planning for and dreaming about the future in a way inconceivable for any other part of the government. It not only has a space command, but, for the first time, a separate command for our own continent (U.S. Northcom) that is preparing for future hurricanes, future pandemics, future domestic disasters of every sort, now that our civil government, growing ever larger, handles things ever less well.

The Bush administration has elevated not just the Pentagon, but the principle of, and a belief in the efficacy of, force to the level of an idol to be worshiped. In 2002, the President suggested a new term - preventive war - which was then embedded in the National Security Strategy of the United States, a key planning document. At the time, Condoleezza Rice put the thinking behind the term this way: "As a matter of common sense, the United States must be prepared to take action, when necessary, before threats have fully materialized." This was, in fact, a recipe for waging war any time an administration cared to. No longer would the United States wait until the eve of an attack to strike "preemptively." Now, if it even occured to the President or Vice President that there was a "one percent" chance some country might someday somehow endanger us, we were free to launch our forces; and "preventive" sounded so much better than the previous term, "war of aggression." For this administration, and so for Americans, a war of aggression had preemptively been moved into the same category with preventive medicine.

Katrina vanden Heuvel: "Sometimes, though, frustration lies in the feeling that you just can't convey the enormity of, say, the Bush administration's unitary executive theory. How do you convey that no previous administration I know of has so openly, so brazenly, on so many fronts tried to subvert the Constitution, that what we're living through is a crisis that may bode the death knell of our democracy. Why aren't people jumping up and down?"

Unitary Executive Theory: This isn't a theory, but a long-planned grab for tyrannical control under the President's "commander-in-chief" powers in a carefully redefined "wartime" situation that will not stop being so in our lifetimes. This "theory" was meant to give a gloss of Constitutional legality to any conceivable presidential act. What the "unitary" meant was "no room for you" when it came to Congress and the courts. The "executive" was, as former Secretary of State Colin Powell's Chief of Staff Larry Wilkinson put it, rule by a "cabal," a cult of true believers inside the presidential bubble, impermeable to outside opinion or pressure. They were eager - when it came to torture, unlimited forms of surveillance, and the ability to define reality - to invest individuals secretly with something like the powers of gods.

Andrew Bacevich: "[W]e are in deep, deep trouble. An important manifestation of that trouble is this shortsighted infatuation with military power… There's such an unwillingness to confront the dilemmas we face as a people that I find deeply troubling. I know we're a democracy. We have elections. But it's become a procedural democracy. Our politics are not really meaningful. In a meaningful politics, you and I could argue about important differences, and out of that argument might come not resolution or reconciliation, but at least an awareness of the consequences of going your way as opposed to mine. We don't even have that argument. That's what's so dismaying."

Democracy: Since September 11, 2001, George W. Bush and his top officials have aggressively advanced into the world under the banner of spreading not stability, but democracy (at cruise-missile point). But they defined the freedom to vote (as the recent Palestinian elections showed) only as the freedom to vote as they wished the vote to go - and it generally didn't. Meanwhile, at home, the Republican Party was practicing an advanced form of gerrymandering, election financing, smear advertising, and voter-suppression tactics that made a mockery of the electoral process. Everyone was to vote gloriously, but matters were to be prepared - geographically, financially, and in terms of public opinion - so that the vote would be nothing but a confirmation of what already was. What, after all, do you call it when, in what is considered the most wide-open election for the House of Representatives in more than a decade, only perhaps 40-50 of 435 seats are actually competitive (and that's considered extraordinary). Since 1998, 98% of House incumbents have won reelection, while in the last "open" election in 1994, when a Republican "revolution" took the House in what the New York Times calls "a seismic realignment," 91% of incumbents were nonetheless reelected.

Barbara Ehrenreich: "Today, we have this even larger federal government, more and more of it being war-related, surveillance-related. I mean it's gone beyond our wildest Clinton administration dreams. I think progressives can't just be seen as pro-big-government when big government has gotten so nasty. Katrina's a perfect example of how militarized the government has gotten even when it's supposedly trying to help people. The initial response of the government was a military one. When they finally got people down there, it was armed guards to protect the fancy stores and keep people in that convention center - at gunpoint."

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!": And it has been a heck-of-a-job! In both the United States and Iraq, government has become ever less effective and meaningful; the plunderers have been let loose to "reconstruct" each country; the deepest fears have been released and deep divisions exacerbated.

We all know what a failed state is - one of those marginal lands where anarchy is the rule and government not the norm. To offer but two examples: Afghanistan is a failed state, a narco-warlord-insurrectionary land where the government barely controls the capital, Kabul; Iraq is now a failed state, a civil-war-torn, insurrectionary land where the government does not even control the capital, Baghdad. But here's a term that isn't in our language: "Failed empire." It might be worth using in any ceremonies meant to bring words and reality closer together.

--------

Tom Engelhardt, who runs the Nation Institute's Tomdispatch.com ("a regular antidote to the mainstream media"), is the co-founder of the American Empire Project and, most recently, the author of Mission Unaccomplished: Tomdispatch Interviews with American Iconoclasts and Dissenters (Nation Books), the first collection of Tomdispatch interviews.

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/101006O.shtml

31 August, 2006

Kebebasan Bicara di AS

Seorang insinyur keturunan Arab siap naik pesawat di AS. Para petugas keamanan datang kepadanya dan minta dia membuka kaosnya. Dia boleh naik pesawat tetapi tidak boleh memakai kaos tersebut.

Kenapa?

Karena di depan kaos itu ada tulisan bahasaArab (lengkap dengan terjemahan bahasa Inggris).

Satu kalimat saja. Satu kailmat yang singkat. Apa artinya?

“We will not be silent” (Kita tidak akan diam).

Kalimat ini menjadi slogan di Amerika bagi orang yang menentang perang AS terhadap Iraq, dan serangan-serangan yang lain di Timur Tengah. Ada kaos, stiker, dsb. yang dijual dengan slogan ini bagi orang yang mau berprotes terhadap perang.

Para penumpang melihat ada orang Arab mau naik pesawat dan ada tulisan di kaosnya dalam bahasa Arab. Mereka menjadi takut dan memanggil para petugas.

Si insinyur Arab itu berprotes dengan menyebutkan hak pribadinya untuk “bicara bebas”. Para petugas bersikeras bahwa dia tetap tidak boleh naik pesawat dengan memakai kaos tersebut.

Ternayta dia boleh bicara dengan bebas, seperti semua warga AS yang lain, hanya saja tidak boleh bicara bebas dalam BAHASA ARAB! Karena membuat orang lain ketakutan!!

Ini sungguh merupakan hasil dari “War on Terror”nya George Bush dan para pendukungnya (alias, para kroni) di media massa di AS. Setiap hari ada berita baru yang membuat warga ketakutan. Takut terhadap “terror”. Dan “terror” itu hanya datang dari orang berbangsa Arab yang menggunakan bahasa Arab.

Hasilnya, warga melihat orang Arab memakai koas dengan tulisan Arab, mereka mulai berfikir: “Apakah dia seorang teroris? Apakah dia mau ledakan bom di pesawat? Apa artinya tulisan itu? Mati semua orang AS, misalanya? [padahal juga ada terjemahan bahasa Inggris di kaos itu]. Wah, takut deh. Panggil petugas aja. Suruh mereka menangkap dia dulu dan mengirimkannya ke Guantanamo sebelum dia bisa membunuh kita!”

Selamat kepada George Bush! Sebagai pemimpin negara dia telah berhasil membuat rakyatnya ketakutan 24/7 (=24 jam sehari, 7 hari per minggu).

Sekarang hak “bicara bebas” di AS ada batasannya: boleh bicara bebas, asal tidak memakai BAHASA ARAB!!!

Arabic T-shirt sparks airport row

An architect of Iraqi descent has said he was forced to remove a T-shirt that bore the words "We will not be silent" before boarding a flight at New York.

Raed Jarrar said security officials warned him his clothing was offensive after he checked in for a JetBlue flight to California on 12 August.

Mr Jarrar said he was shocked such an action could be taken in the US.

US transport officials are conducting an inquiry after a complaint from the US Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee.

Mr Jarrar's black cotton T-shirt bore the slogan in both Arabic and English.

He said he had cleared security at John F Kennedy airport for a flight back to his home in California when he was approached by two men who wanted to check his ID and boarding pass.

Mr Jarrar said he was told a number of passengers had complained about his T-shirt - apparently concerned at what the Arabic phrase meant - and asked him to remove it.

He refused, arguing that the slogan was not offensive and citing his constitutional rights to free expression.

"We Will Not Be Silent" is a slogan adopted by opponents of the war in Iraq and other conflicts in the Middle East.

It is said to derive from the White Rose dissident group which opposed Nazi rule in Germany.

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/americas/5297822.stm


Published: 2006/08/30 10:36:21 GMT

© BBC MMVI

29 July, 2006

WHO’S ON FIRST

Hi. Thought you might get a laugh out of this. If you have never heard it, I highly recommend the audio file (be patient while it downloads.) The first link seems to be the best, with Audio and transcript.
My students have always loved it. Hope you enjoy it. Please pass on to others.

Audio & Transcript

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/abbott&costellowhosonfirst.htm

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirst.html

Audio MP3 recordings:

http://www.abbottandcostello.net/

http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhosOnFirstAudio.mp3

WHO’S ON FIRST

(by Abbott and Costello)

The following text contains references to “baseball.”

Some baseball positions: first base/ second base/ third base/ in-field/ out-field/ center field.

Note: People’s names are in capital letters.

A: Well COSTELLO, I’m going to New York with you. You know BUCKY HARRIS, the Yank’s manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

C: Look, ABBOT, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

A: I certainly do.

C: Well, you know, I never met the guys so you’ll have to tell me their names and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

A: Oh, I’ll tell you their names. But you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

C: You mean funny names?

A: Strange names, pet names, like DIZZY DEAN.

C: SMALL ADAFIUS.

A: DAFFY DEAN

C: I’ve got a French cousin.

A: French?

C: GOOFE?

A: GOOFE DEAN. Oh I see. Now let’s see, we have on the bags, we have WHO’s on first, WHAT’s on second, I-DON’T-KNOW is on third.

C: That’s what I want to find out.

A: I said, WHO’s on first WHAT’s on second, I-DON’T-KNOW’s on third.

C: Are you the manager?

A: Yes.

C: You gonna be the coach too?

A: Yes.

C: And you don’t know the fella’s names?

A: Well, I should.

C: Well then, who’s on first?

A: Yes

C: I mean the fella’s name.

A: WHO.

C: The guy on first.

A: WHO.

C: The first baseman

A: WHO!

C: The guy playing first.

A: WHO is on first!

C: I’m asking you who’s on first.

A: That’s the man’s name.

C: That’s whose name?

A: Yes.

C: Well go ahead and tell me.

A: That’s it.

C: That’s who?

A: Yes.

C: Have you got a first baseman?

A: Certainly.

C: Who’s playing first?

A: That’s right.

C: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

A: Every dollar of it.

C: All I’m trying to find out is the fella’s name on first base.

A: WHO.

C: The guy that gets…

A: That’s it!

C: Who gets the money on…?

A: He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

C: Whose wife?

A: Yes. What’s wrong with that.

C: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

A: WHO.

C: The guy.

A: WHO.

C: How does he sign his name?

A: That’s how he signs it!

C: Who?

A: Yes.

C: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base!

A: No! WHAT is on second base.

C: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

A: WHO’s on first.

C: One base at a time!

A: Well don’t change the players.

C: I’m not changing nobody!

A: Take it easy buddy.

C: I’m only asking ya, who’s the guy on first base?

A: That’s right.

C: OK.

A: Alright.

C: What’s the guy’s name on first base?

A: No, WHAT is on second.

C: I’m not asking ya who’s on second.

A: WHO’s on first.

C: I dunno (=don’t know).

A: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him…

C: Now, how could I get on third base?

A: Why, you mentioned his name.

C: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?

A: No, WHO’s playing first.

C: What’s on first?

A: WHAT’s on second

C: I dunno.

A: He’s on third.

C: There I go, back on third again. Would you stay on third base and don’t go off it!

A: Alright. Now, what do you wanna know?

C: Now who’s playing third base?

A: Why do you insist on putting WHO on third base?

C: What am I putting on third?

A: No, WHAT is on second.

C: You don’t want who on second?

A: WHO is on first.

C: I don’t know.

C/A: Third base!

C: Look, you got a out-field?

A: Sure.

C: The left-fielder’s name?

A: WHY.

C: I just thought I’d ask you.

A: Well I just thought I’d tell you.

C: Then tell me who’s playing left-field.

A: WHO is playing first!

C: I’m not… stay out of the in-field! I wanna know what’s the guy’s name in left-field?

A: No, WHAT is on second.

C: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

A: WHO’s on first.

C: I dunno.

C/A: Third base!

C: And the left-fielder’s name?

A: WHY!

C: Because!

A: Oh, he’s center-field.

C: Look, look, look. You got a pitcher on the team?

A: Sure.

C: The pitcher’s name?

A: TOMORROW.

C: You don’t wanna tell me today?

A: I’m telling you man.

C: Well, go ahead.

A: TOMORROW.

C: What time?

A: What time what?

C: What time tomorrow you’re gonna tell me who’s pitching?

A: Now listen, WHO is not pitching!

C: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I wanna know what’s the pitcher’s name?

A: WHAT’s on second.

C: I dunno.

C/A: Third base!

C: You got a catcher?

A: Certainly!

C: The catcher’s name?

A: TODAY.

C: Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?

A: Now you’ve got it!

C: All we’ve got is a couple of days of the week. You know I’m a catcher too.

A: So they tell me.

C: I get behind the players, do some fancy catching, tomorrow’s pitching on my team, and a heavy hitter gets up.

A: Yes.

C: Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

A: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right!

C: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

A: That’s all you have to do!

C: Is to throw the ball to first base?

A: Yes!

C: Now, who’s got it?

A: Naturally!

C: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gottta get it. Now, who has it?

A: Naturally.

C: Who?

A: Naturally.

C: Naturally?

A: Naturally.

C: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to naturally?

A: No you don’t. You throw the ball to WHO!

C: Naturally.

A: That’s it.

C: That’s what I said.

A: You’re not saying it right.

C: I throw the ball to naturally.

A: You throw it to WHO!

C: Naturally.

A: That’s it.

C: That’s what I said!

A: Listen, you asked me.

C: I throw the ball to who?

A: Naturally.

C: Now you ask me.

A: You throw the ball to WHO?

C: Naturally.

A: That’s it.

C: Same as you! Same as you! I throw the ball to who! Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second.

A: Yes.

C: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don’t’ know. I don’t know throws it back to tomorrow. Triple play.

A: Yes.

C: Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I don’t know. He’s on third and I don’t give a darn.

A: Wha-what?

C: I said, I don’t give a darn!

A: Oh, that’s our short-stop.



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